I have been posting on facebook lately about not feeling well and visiting the doctor so I wanted to update you all on what is going on with me. I haven't talked much about this, but now I feel that I can.
In October, I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and caused me a lot of pain and nausea and basically distress. I had to quit my long-term substitute teaching job to figure out what was wrong with me. I only worked this job for 3 days and I was very upset that I couldn't do it any longer. At this point, I was more concerned about my health and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. At first, I truly thought I was pregnant because I had all the symptoms, but after talking to my family doctor and my OBGYN, we figured out that it was an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. This was caused from a medication I was on. Needless to say, I quit taking that medication! Come Thanksgiving, I was finally starting to feel much better and was excited to get back to teaching, but then on Christmas Eve, I had another cyst rupture which really brought me down. All I wanted was to start feeling better and get back to my daily routine. After the second cyst ruptured is when things started to go down hill. Instead of getting better and healing, I felt like things were getting worse. I waited awhile and thought that my symptoms would improve and I would get better. They weren't! So after talking with Kevin and my family, I finally decided to go back to the doctor and that's what I did yesterday.
In about March or so, I started to feel a lot of anxiety and stress stemming from not being able to find a teaching job (I've been subbing for 4 years!) and not being able to get pregnant (we've been trying for 2 years). I have never felt so much stress in my life and didn't really come to terms with the fact that this is probably what I was feeling, until recently. I began thinking, "I am going to be 30 this year and I feel like I have not been successful yet with a job and kids." Maybe, it was a mini mid-life crisis. Kevin likes to think so. But I have finally realized that things will fall into place the way they are suppose to. I have an amazing God who has the perfect plan for me. I have to remind myself of this daily. I am a great teacher who will land a job and I will make a great mother one day. And just so you know, the doctors have told us that it is not impossible for us to get pregnant. I think we have just both been to stressed and focused on that that it hasn't happened yet.
Because of all the anxiety and stress, I started to have panic attacks. I have never in my life experienced anything like this and it's pretty scary when it happens. It has only happened a handful of times and only a couple of times that were serious enough that I had to leave the store I was in for fear of passing out or getting sick. After so many times of this happening is when I made the decision to see the doctor to actually pinpoint what was going on exactly. Yesterday, we discussed what has been happening and the doctor agreed that I was having panic attacks. I am now on medication and hope to heal quickly so I can get back to my normal daily life.
Those of you who see me on a regular basis may not have known that any of this was happening. Simply because I hadn't told anyone and you can't see it on the outside. I may have seemed a little down though. Now that I have seen a doctor and have finally figured out FOR SURE what is happening, I feel much better. I am trying to think positively and am confident that I will get better soon.
I believe this all began with the ovarian cyst rupture, because for so long I didn't know what was happening and I was constantly not feeling well. I was scared! All I wanted was to feel better and never thought that would happen. I think subconsciously, my brain worried about my health. Even when I told myself I was okay, I would feel sick and get a panic attack.
Panic attacks are scary and come out of the blue. Most of the time, I had no idea it was coming until it suddenly came on. I couldn't prepare for it or breathe my way through it. Panic attack symptoms are as follows:
- racing or pounding heartbeat (palpitations);
- chest pains;
- stomach upset;
dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea;
difficulty breathing, a sense of being smothered
dreamlike sensations or perceptual distortions;
terror, a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to occur and one is powerless to prevent it;
nervousness about the possibility of losing control and doing something embarrassing;
- fear of dying.
"Although the duration of a panic attack can vary greatly, it typically lasts for more than 10 minutes, is one of the most distressing conditions that a person can experience, and its symptoms can closely mimic those of a heart attack."
As you can see, what I've been through has been pretty scary but I am going to get through this. I have not experienced everything on the above list (thank goodness) and my panic attacks have not developed into a panic disorder (thank goodness). I believe I can heal. But I do know now more than ever that the brain is a very powerful thing!
Kevin has been nothing but supportive and caring through this whole thing. He is a great husband and I love him very much!
I am thinking positive thoughts and trying not to stress too much!
